Open dairy: A melting pot of love, hate, darkness, laughter and glitter...
I need a new tattoo, or a piercing or something…
It’s 10 pm. I cannot believe I survived this day. It was a gray, cold and rainy day…mind you it’s not 12:01 yet. ;)
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless
and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
So I feel completely miserable. There is a fire burning in my chest. I feel so violent and sad. Does this stupid life have any sens at all? I mean it must. I know it does… but not today. How can my mood change so much within a day? How is it possible that I feel so empty but also full of rage. I’m so sad right now…but I was so happy yesterday. It’s like I am falling into a bottomless pit. I occasionally find a gripping point but then loose it.
This is not depression. Extreme mood swings within hours, emptiness, loneliness even surrounded, destructive behavior like stupid binging (ridiculous, especially after all the time and effort I putted to loose a lot of weight), wicked desires, hard to contained violence, fear of being abandoned, constant feeling of being rejected…even when I’m not being rejected. It’s like my brain gets it but my heart won’t understand…I lack balance. I love unconditionally or hate with passion. Everything and anything is always personal, even when most of the time, it’s not about me. It’s heavy and exhausting. What the f is that? Somebody? Anybody? Buller?
So I confronted my dear friend…I could not have been more wrong. I felt rejected (again, it’s often in my head) but she was merely telling me she wanted to take more time for herself to put her GAD under control meds and all… She also needed time for her couple which totally make sens. Even though she knew I was having a hard time lately she felt that she was spreading herself thin and that it would be too hard, right now, to be as supportive as she would normally be.
It was clear as day. Yet, I could not stop crying. Even if my brain could understand her, my heart could not digest it…just yet. And she knew exactly how I was feeling and did her best to comfort me.
When I look back at that “situation”, I feel really childish. It’s as if my emotional maturity stopped at some early stage in my life. I feel insatiable. Nothing is enough. I’m hungry. Always hungry. I’m hungry for attention, understanding, acknowledgment, love, reciprocity…I want to fill a void. I want to kill this emptiness. I want everybody to be as receptive and available than me. I’m like a child really.
I’ve bought one of Brené Brown’s book: the gifts of imperfection (Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are). I can’t wait to start it…it might change my perspective on myself…we’ll see.